There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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