if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
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