He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
love makes seman taste better
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
