You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
