I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
