That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
