She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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