Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
