Dude my mom stole all your condoms
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
