this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
