just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
