Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
cat food counts as protein by the way
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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