The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
