Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
