3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
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Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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