he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.