I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
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He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.