the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
