Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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