i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I stole a fireplace last night.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
