you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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