Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
