she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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