I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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