Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
