I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I will pee on everything he values.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Randomize
