tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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