my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I understand Curling. That high.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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