Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
