I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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