I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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