When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
