how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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