Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
