I don't think brook has ever known best
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
