I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
