i think my tv is drunk
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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