If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
