doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
