I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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