i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
