u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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