Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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