i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
