Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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