To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
We have started to decorate penises.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
