I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
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He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
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I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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