I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
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