I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm like, not good at living.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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