Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
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