The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
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