Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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