Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
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