Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button