If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Is This New Dating App Elitist…Or Genius?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.