Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight