I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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