I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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