just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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