my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
did i walk over a car last night?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
