Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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