I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
