I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
